A Birthday and a Passing

Bud celebrated his second birthday, Monday, February 17th.  My dad died two days later on the 19th.  I am trying really hard to get back to "normal," whatever that is.  Right now, I'm wishing so much that I belonged to one of those cultures that encourages grieving for a week or two, or even longer.  Since when did our society become obsessed with youth and vigor and repelled by sickness and death?  We have an ever increasing number of elderly people in our country and we choose to ignore them. They are scary to us because they make us acknowledge the fact that age and death are inevitable.  There was a time in our own culture when families left their loved ones lying in state in the living room or parlor, especially in the South, where I'm from.  That doesn't happen anymore.  You still have friends stopping by to check on you but nobody really knows what to say.  There's not much to say.

Anyway, I digress, as usual.  The real point is that I haven't had time to really let this sink in.  It's gradually becoming real.  He was sick for four years and you would think on the surface that one would have had plenty of time to prepare.  There's never enough time.  Even though I have been slowly grieving for those four years, his passing last week left me reeling to the point that I have felt dumbfounded and in shock that he was even ill.

My dad lapsed into a coma on Wednesday after slowly becoming more sick last Sunday.  And I stupidly believed that I had enough time to get back home to see him at the end of the week.  Everyone we had talked to had stories of how their loved ones were in comas for up to twelve days.  I had been reading up on the end stage of renal disease and every website I visited talked about the likelihood of coma and how it usually lasts for a couple of weeks.  He was only in a coma for one full day.  My mom called at 12:15 on Thursday morning to tell me my father had passed a few minutes prior.  I did not get there in time.  I thought I had plenty of time.

So, I went back home to South Carolina last Thursday and came back earlier this week, and I feel like I'm not completely sure of where I am exactly.  I've been busy with Bud's language activities and appointments all throughout the day, and then once I get him down for his nap, that's my time to collapse.

I realize it will get easier.  Right now, I'm overwhelmed.  I'm more overwhelmed than I think I have ever been in my life - physically, emotionally.