CT Scan Today

UUUUUGGGGHHHHH!  

That's how I have been feeling inside my head and stomach for the last several days now leading up to this CT scan.  I thought it was pretty much done with the MRI until our ENT informed us that he also wanted to do a CT just to get a better look at Butters' cochlea.   When he told us this last month,  I had that same feeling in the pit of my stomach when I was  in college and thought that I only had one more class to take before getting my bachelor's degree, and finding out from my advisor just before beginning my last semester that I actually had an additional class that I needed to take and it wouldn't be available until the following semester.

Just when you think you've jumped over one hurdle, another one stands waiting for you a mile down your path.

This test is the deciding factor that will tell us definitively whether Butters is a prime candidate for cochlear implants.   So, yeah, kind of screaming loudly on the inside.

I want my son to have every opportunity available to hear the world around him!

I am the type of person who is always worrying about the worse case scenario.  I like to think that I am a realist.  My husband would simply tell you that I am a neurotic.   I grew up in a family - both sides - who adopted the mantra, "Always believe the worst can happen to you so that you won't be disappointed when it does."   Maybe it's a Scotch/Irish ancestry thing.

So, I'm nervous.  Amazingly, my stomach is not in knots right now like it usually is, but that's probably due to the fact that I have been wrapped up inside a cloud of confusion and concern for the last six months.  My body's used to being screwed up now, I guess.

This is also the one year anniversary of my cousin dying from falling off of a roof he was working on back home in South Carolina.    And it bothers me because the last time that I saw him was not a happy occasion - lots of family contention.

I am working to try to change my way of thinking - it's really tough and it will be a long process.  But I need to do this for Butters.  I don't want him to have a nut case mom.  I'm going to dress Butters up in some warm and fluffy threads, shove some apple juice down his gullet since he will not be able to consume anything after 9:30 this morning  (that will make for a lovely hour and a half long car ride) and pretend that it's just another ordinary day.