The Roller Coaster That Has Become My Life

My dad is dying.  His lab results were markedly much worse this past week, he's refusing dialysis, and my son is having to wear hearing aids because he was born with severe hearing loss.

My dad also has not met his grandson and unless I am willing to live with the guilt over this (and I'm not), I better fix this situation quickly.  Life is becoming more topsy-turvy by the second, and I'm wanting off this horribly, bad roller coaster ASAP.

I hate roller coasters.  As a matter of fact, I hate nearly all rides at carnivals/state fairs with the exception of the Tilt-a Whirl.  Even though it crazily spins you in all directions, you always know that it will bring you back to where you started. It's predictable.  The ride that's not predictable is the roller coaster.  And the roller coaster I'm riding right now is bumpy, scary, nauseating, and I can't control where it's going to take me next.  That's the part I hate the most - I can't control it.  

Don't get me wrong, I am extremely grateful for everything that I have. There are so many more people who are going through much more difficult times. But it's so easy to focus on the problems that are going on in your own life versus the problems of others, isn't it?  Life gets to you - even the daily mundane tasks you deal with consume your life, and if you are going through a few particularly trying issues, it's hard to turn your attention to the trials of others and be thankful for the good things that are working in your favor.  And sometimes you're so caught up working through the residual stress of past problems that new problems make you feel as if you'll soon topple over into a big pile of sobbing, snotting mess.

 It had just occurred to me the other night, while attempting to sleep, that the past couple of years have strained my mind and body -in both positive and  negative ways. In addition to dealing with the impending death of my father and my son's hearing loss, I'm still coming to grips with other huge life events that have come to pass. In two and a half years this is what has happened:

• The loss of my teaching job, which I loved dearly (and accrued additional student loan debt)
• Two new jobs
• Finding out my dad was in end stage renal failure and trying to convince him to go on dialysis
• Moving back home (partly due to job loss) and helping to take care of my dad
• Having my then fiancee deploy to Afghanistan for eight months
• Getting married when fiancee returned from Afghanistan
• Moving from S.C., where I had lived 3/4 of my life, to N.C.
• Discovering that I was pregnant a month after the wedding
• Having a cousin die from falling off a roof he was repairing (while I was 7 mos pregnant)
• Becoming a mom for the first time and having my baby in the NICU for ten days
• Dealing with the fact that my son cannot hear me when I talk to him

Life is very much like a roller coaster - for everybody. Some handle the ride better than others.  I just think that there are those who are able to disguise their pain and their fear.  And maybe, after a while, some people just become more numb to the "bad stuff" that happens.  They've ridden enough roller coasters to just expect the really deep dips that occur.  Maybe I'm partially in the "numb category."  I feel the grief tremendously with my dad and my son, and its on my mind constantly.  But I'm just so emotionally and physically tired of dealing with everything.  The crying spells catch up with me later - especially during those damn Subaru commercials where the father is reflecting back on meeting his wife and having their son while he's owned the same car.

I'm not screaming when I can see the next sharp turn coming.  I've even got a calm look on my face, almost a flat affect.  But I feel it on the inside.


Right now I must be at one of the lowest dips in the roller coaster.  I'm sad over my son and my dad, I feel like I don't have the energy to deal with anything, I have guilt about my dad not having met his grandson, and there's the anxiety over leaving the dip in the roller coaster and not knowing what the next dip is going to be like.

How many more dips are there going to be before the roller coaster gives you a smoother ride?  And what if the roller coaster simply derails?